Am I Good Enough?

I usually keep social media for fun n happy times but these past weeks have been tough ( for us all ). But w uni nearing the end I’m reaching a breaking point- how ironic, it’s almost over but the thought of dropping out again runs through my mind 24/7. Maybe that’d bcos if I drop out I can’t fail ?? For the past week I’ve had a tension headache that’s been unable to shift >:(, thoughts that I’d rather not have, and honestly just wanting to disappear from all the chaos.

this is maybe the first time I’ve cried ( more like sobbed ) in months. I thought maybe I’d feel relieved afterwards, like usual - but now I just feel sick ???

4th year of uni has not gone how I planned- n I’m not just talking about the COVID-19 pandemic, but just the overwhelming feeling I’ve been unable to shift for the past 7 months. There hasn’t been a day that’s gone by where I haven’t felt out my depth or just all round too dumb to even be at uni, never mind writing a dissertation. I guess I’m just thinking that once I hand everything in it’s just not going to be worth the 5years of LOWS I endured. Obvs I’ve had some of the best times n meet amazing friends n individuals (thank u), but the question still looms over me, like one of those rain clouds that follows you in cartoons- is it still worth it? I guess I’ll not know till I submit my dissertation n receive the confirmation I graduated (big IF).

The plan was a masters after this?? (Someone’s been on the dumb bitch juice) but in all seriousness that’s not happening and it’s probs for the best bcos- for the time being anyways. I guess I have a pressure on myself to do amazing, which is contrasted with my constant self criticism and self doubt! I luuuuuuuuv a vicious circle.

the question I come back to is - am I good enough? And the same answer, more often than not is no. i know I’m the only one stopping myself from believing this, but it’s hard to break when I feel I constantly let others and myself down daily. Maybe over

time I’ll come to realise im more than enough or maybe I won’t, but I guess that’s the meaning of life- a constant discovery of who you are and how you process it.

I apologise for the rambled post, and less than happy context- If you’ve painstakingly read till now, thank u. I just needed to get this off my chest bcos if I didn’t write it down I’d more than likely implode. More than ever, with current events, if anyone is struggling I’m here if you want to just vent (I’m a good listener) or idk distract yourself or whatever it is you need I’m here!

Please take care n remember to socially distance yourself 💓