Univeristy, was it worth it?

So today was meant to be the day that I, along with thousands of other students were to graduate from Stirling University. Yet, in all honesty, I’m not as sad as I thought I would have, or should have, been. For anyone who knows me, these past 5 years have been a bit of a whirlwind of emotions and experiences and at one point, I genuinely didn’t think I’d be graduating at all. It’s an odd feeling, whilst I’m seeing my friends sad about not being able to graduate and i feel sad because they can’t, I feel indifferent to missing out and I guess I feel like I should be feeling sad? But should I have too? Is it okay to feel nothing towards ending uni?

Back in 2015, when I first started I was already in a negative mindset, I didn’t want to go to Stirling uni, and had it set in my mind that I wasn’t going to enjoy my time. I was only glad to finally have moved out from home, and have some freedom. As the months went by, I enjoyed the constant drinking and parties more than class, I’d skip most of them because I was still steaming or just hadn’t done the work of them. This ended up being how I spent most of the first two years of uni, putting minimal work in because I still didn’t feel like Stirling university was home, and also because I just honestly didn’t feel smart enough to even be studying philosophy or religion. People in my class would talk about things I’d never even heard or, not understood. Second year was also a tough time emotionally, I was in a flat that was just mentally exhausting and had just gotten into my first serious relationship so as I spent most of my time with him at his flat, I skipped more classes and pushed more and more people that I was friends with away. The only thing I was excited for was the prospect of study abroad.

When I applied for study abroad, I was exstatic, the opportunity to live in another country for several months, meet new people, see new places, and just start fresh seemed almost too good to be true. When I heard back that I got in, the chance to study in Syracuse NY, I was excited! A small campus, with exciting modules and honestly just a whole experience I had dreamed of since I was younger. I couldn’t wait!! When I got there it was insane, a completely different culture and set up. In the beginning it was good, I had the loveliest gals as housemates that made me feel so welcome, and I met Emerald who was also on study abroad too. Classes were interesting, I was enjoying my own company and I got to travel to NYC, and Erie Pennsylvania to meet more new and exciting people. But something still felt off, and began to loom over me, like some storm approaching. And it did, spring break came about and I decided to take the week to myself, explore new places and it was then that I realised I couldn’t cope, I spent the week crying and feeling so helpless so I phoned my mum and told her I couldn’t do this, I was dropping out and coming home. I think it came as a surpsie to everyone, I’m pretty good at hiding when struggling, but it was the best thing I could have done for myself.

The months after, however, only got worse. I lost a few good people in my life and felt like I was more alone than ever. My friends at uni were still working hard but I couldn’t face making contact with them again so soon. The constant “why did you drop out?” was exhausting to answer, I was grateful to still have my job and just ended up working full time for a few months. But still that wasn’t enough, I considered ending it many times and came close a couple times. But in all honesty the only reason I didn’t was because of my sister, I couldn’t leave her. And I cannot express the gratitude I have for her, she has been the only constant in my life who I can rely on wholeheartedly. I’m unsure how, or if I have ever, I got through that feeling of complete helplessness but I’m still here so. (Anyway let’s skip over that part)

Maybe it was the working and no pressure to do well that was helpful in helping me realise that no I did want to complete uni, and when Stirling uni offered me a place to come back and finish 3rd year i took it. I had that drive and determination, something I felt like I lacked in the previous years. I got stuck into classes, enjoyed writing essays and doing the readings (girlll who is she??) I still had nights out but took everything a bit more seriously. I felt like I’d finally met the friends I yearned for, I had that feeling of this is what uni is all about. Times were still tough but I could see myself getting somewhere. Then came 4th year I was TERRIFIED, the dreaded dissertation seemed daunting, 10,000 words on a topic of my choice??? HAHAHA UR JOKING RIGHT?! and yeah it started off rocky, and I was ready to give up and just graduate without the Hons. But, with the help of my lectures I managed to get new supervisors and make a start of my dissertation. And somehow the dissertation became less stressful than my classes, something I never seen happening.

I’m proud to say that I’ve officially graduated with a 2:1 in BA Hons in Philosophy and Religious Studies, and although I’m proud of myself for sticking it out, I still find myself thinking if it was actually worth all pain and hell I put myself through. Who knows, in the future I might feel differently, or I might not ever but regardless, the one thing I am thankful for is that I’ve turned into someone that I am learning to love and accept more than I ever believed I could. I guess this post is for anyone else who is graduating, or who has graduated before and feels something similar that it’s okay feel indifferent about graduating university. For so long I’ve had these expectations of what a university experience should be that I began to lose track of the realty that university isn’t some enlightening experience full of constant ups, it’s an experience that shapes you, and is exhausting and in my case, unworthwhile? I’m still figuring out if it was 100% worth it.

But regardless of this, I want to wish my fellow students a happy graduation and I wish u all the best - especially in this tough time!! <3

#BleedGreen my boys