Don’t forget, alone time is important.

I feel the only thing I ever seem to be able to express is when my mental health is reaching a breaking point (we luuuv this vicious cycle). But, writing about it just seems to help - I think it’s just the relief of getting these plethora of thoughts into, at least to some extent, some kind of order. Lockdown has been going on for weeks now, honestly I’ve lost count. My days consist of waking up at 3am to work, to come home and do nothing, occasionally I have the energy to feel productive, and then go to bed. And REPEAT. I find myself exhausted just being awake too tired to concentrate on anything but too awake to completely switch off, I count down the hours I can be in bed - and ultimately asleep - those brief hours that I can escape from they daily cycle I’m tired of repeating. It’s not even to dream, because honestly I can’t remember the last time I actually remember a dream I had, which is an odd feeling since I’m used to just vivid and bizarre dreams.

What I really miss though are my pals. If theres one thing I’ve learnt during lockdown is that I miss just the simplicity of popping over to my pals last min to hang, or spending hours in coffee shops (bcos honestly I loooove an overpriced coffee). I miss and quite honestly crave the comfort and pure joy that I get just from seeing them in person. I’m not really a call or video chat gal and when that’s I can do to see them it’s often more exhausting turning on the laptop or picking up the phone to answer a call. It’s intense, stressful, and I feel overwhelmed. These are some of my closest friends and I can’t bare to talk to them over a simple video call, but then I feel guilty for bailing scared they’ll soon stop asking. There’s something about seeing people in person I find calming, maybe it’s because over a call or video chat there’s nothing to do but focus on one another? But then, texting is just as stressful. Conversations take longer, I’m often far too exhausted to string a cohesive sentence together, and then never mind typing it all out. Yet, if I don’t do either then I have no one to talk or socialise with. It’s just becoming another layer that’s starting to weigh me down.

There’s not really a clear message to this post, I guess maybe just to apologise to my friends for the constant bailing of calls n Skype calls - I do love u all!

But honestly, if I’m frank, I’m also terrified of returning back to some form of “normality” - if that’s what you wanna call it - that we were so used to. All I’ve seen over my twitter feed the past couple weeks are the tweets like “once this lockdown is over I’m never saying no to a plan again”. And whilst I completely get what they mean - I wanna see my pals and family and make up for the weeks I haven’t seen them - I’m scared of the pressure to constantly be doing things, socialising, and just being busy 24/7. I feel like the balance of being forced into isolation and lockdown is going to do a 180 and there’s going to be a pressured feeling where we’ll be forced into never being alone for more than a few hours. Maybe it’s just me who thinks that, honestly I don’t know? But anyone who knows me, knows I’ve come to love my own company, something that I felt was impossible only a few years back. I look forward to spending time with myself, and I don’t wanna lose this love for myself that I’ve worked so hard to repair (repair, idk if that sounds right- I’m struggling to think of a better word but like I guess repair is pretty fitting since I’ve worked to fix alot of things I hated about myself and also learned to love a lot of things I hated about myself).

So I guess this has maybe some kind of message, maybe just for anyone who feels that they have to be social 24/7 once lockdown is lifted, the reality is you don’t have to be. Yes see your friends and family! Get back to some level of normality but make sure you set aside time to yourself, don’t burn yourself out just to please others or because social media makes you feel like you have to. Because frankly it’s gonna be an adjustment, we’re still gonna have certain social distancing measures and the ripple affects of the coronavirus are going to be with us for years to come.

Make sure you continue to keep a safe distance, wash your hands, and importantly your yourself and your health first.