Livin with ur thoughts

Don’t u ever just feel like your brain is working against you? As soon as I feel like I’m getting myself on a steady path I find myself becoming spacey as my mind drifts to the dark vast I so often try to keep out of. I’m 22 yet I can’t shift this internal discomfort that I’ve wasted my life, since childhood we’ve been conditioned to follow a set path and overcome all hurdles unscathed, but it’s not that easy. I feel I’m running from an inescapable wave of disappointment that is going to fully submerge me at any moment, confirming my worst fear: I’ve failed. Honestly I brush a lot of things off, I try keep it chill on a front but inside I am drowning, I’ve never been the smartest and half the time uni only further confirms that I’m not. I’m so desperate to do well but I can’t even tell if it’s for myself or for society anymore.

Loneliness is also a void I find it hard to escape from, more so the past few weeks I find myself encased in this empty weight. I talk to my friends a lot, I see them when I can and I treasure them n know they treasure me. But sometimes I find myself convinced I’m a burden, that I’ve forced myself into their lives and refused to budge. Your mind really can be your own worst enemy huh? I don’t help myself tho, I find myself dodging messages, watching my phone ring out when someone tries to call- giving excuses that I’m working or too busy to answer. Truth is, I’m often too exhausted to talk, to say that I’m not okay.

Nights can be the worst, i really am insignificant in this vast universe, all flaws hidden by the darkness; moonlight offering a soft glow on the still silence. I’m alone, too exhausted from surviving the day and I have next to no distractions. Yet, despite this crash

of energy I find it impossible to sleep well or at all. I guess that’s why I’ve come to write this post now, I feel if I write it down it’ll somehow take the burden off me in the morning? I’ll find out in the morning I guess. It’s hard to remember how far you’ve come at times, the default setting it to remember the worst parts and how you still haven’t fully overcome them, how they still hold power over you. There’s really no point to this post, no story, no advice. It’s just a thought I needed to write down.